Monday, September 24, 2007
Friday, September 21, 2007
Indian Contractor
Three contractors . . . One from India, another from Germany and the third from England are bidding to repair the White House fence. A senior White House official takes them to examine it.
The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."
The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: " $2,700."
The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"
No need to Guess who got the contract............ ......... ...!!
The English contractor : takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works on some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will cost $900 . . . $400 for materials, $400 for labour and $100 profit for me."
The German contractor : also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700 . . . $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Indian contractor doesn't measure or do any figuring, but leans over to the White House official and whispers: " $2,700."
The official incredulously says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy," the Indian explains, "$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the guy from Germany to do the work!"
No need to Guess who got the contract............ ......... ...!!
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Monday, September 17, 2007
Friday, September 14, 2007
Train's Berth
Mister Nene, his wife and his son were returning by train to home in Maharastra after taking a trip of South India.
Mister Nene was occupying the lower berth, his wife had the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train.
When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way, the son requested his father to buy him a cup of ice cream to which he readily agreed and got off the train.
When they returned, they found that a Gujju bhai who couldn't understand Hindi or Marathi had occupied his son's berth.
Outraged, Mister Nene called the TT and asked him to help.
TT was a South Indian who stated that he could not understand Hindi, Marathi or Gujarati so it would be better if Mister Nene explained the whole situation to him in English.
So Mr. Nene explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."
Mister Nene was occupying the lower berth, his wife had the middle berth and his son the top most berth in the train.
When the train stopped at one of the stations on the way, the son requested his father to buy him a cup of ice cream to which he readily agreed and got off the train.
When they returned, they found that a Gujju bhai who couldn't understand Hindi or Marathi had occupied his son's berth.
Outraged, Mister Nene called the TT and asked him to help.
TT was a South Indian who stated that he could not understand Hindi, Marathi or Gujarati so it would be better if Mister Nene explained the whole situation to him in English.
So Mr. Nene explained, "That man sleeping on top of my wife is not giving birth to my child."
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Sarder Detectives
A policeman was testing 3 Singh brothers who were training to become detectives.To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first Singh a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The first Singh answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second Singh smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The Singh looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and
I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the Singh replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear.”
The first Singh answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!” The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second Singh and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”
The second Singh smiles and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!” The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third Singh and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.” The Singh looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.” The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and
I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”
“That’s easy,” the Singh replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he
only has one eye and one ear.”
Just for Fun
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display.While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey please.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?” The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.
He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?”
The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?”
“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000.
He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?” The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager.”
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Priest v/s Taxi Driver
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."
Moral of the story :
It's Performance, Not Position, that Counts.
Saint Peter addresses him, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you into the Kingdom of Heaven ?" The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, from New York ." Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
Now it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am the Right Reverend Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years." Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven ."
"Just a minute," says the priest. "That man was a taxi driver. Why does he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Results," shrugged Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept. When he drove, people prayed."
Moral of the story :
It's Performance, Not Position, that Counts.
10 ways to stop those tele marketing calls
1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.
2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…louder…louder…louder!
7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
8. If they start out with, “How are you today?”,say “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems…………”
9. Cry out in surprise, “Helen, is that you? I’ve been hoping you’d call! How is the family?” When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.
10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number - and give him the ICICI call center number.
Posted From vivekshah.wordpress.com
2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.
3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.
6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up…louder…louder…louder!
7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.
8. If they start out with, “How are you today?”,say “I’m so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems…………”
9. Cry out in surprise, “Helen, is that you? I’ve been hoping you’d call! How is the family?” When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.
10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number - and give him the ICICI call center number.
Posted From vivekshah.wordpress.com
108 Name of Lord Ganesha and their meanings
1. Akhurath: One who has mouse as his charioteer
2. Alampata : Ever eternal lord
3. Amit : Incomparable lord
4. Anantachidrupamayam: Infiniteand consciousness personified
5. Avaneesh: Lord of the wholeworld
6. Avighna:
Remover of obstacles
7. Balaganapati: Beloved andlovable child
8. Bhalchandra: Moon-crestedlord
9. Bheema: Huge and Gigantic
10. Bhupati: Lord of the gods
11. Bhuvanpati: God of the gods
12. Buddhinath: God of wisdom
13. Budhipriya: Knowledgebestower
14. Bhudhividhata: God ofknowledge
15. Chaturbhuj: One who has fourarms
16. Devadeva: Lord of all lords
17. Devantakanashakarin: Destroyerof evils and asuras
18. Devarata: One who acceptsall gods
19. Devendrashika: Protector ofall gods
20. Dharmik: One who givescharity
21. Dhoomravarna: Smoke-Huedlord
22. Durja: Invincible lord
23. Dvaimatura: One who has twomothers
24. Ekaakshara: He of the singlesyllable
25. Ekadanta: Single-Tusked lord
26. Ekadrishta: Single-Tuskedlord
27. Eshanputra: Lord Shiva’s son
28. Gadadhara: One who has themace as his weapon
29. Gajakarna: One who has eyeslike an elephant
30. Gajanana: Elephant-Facedlord
31. Gajananeti: Elephant-Facedlord
32. Gajavakra: Trunk of theelephant
33. Gajavaktra: One who hasmouth like an elephant
34. Ganadhakshya:
Lord of all Ganas (Gods)
35. Ganadhyakshina:
Leader of all thecelestial bodies
36. Ganapati:
Lord of all Ganas (Gods)
37. Gaurisuta:
The son of Gauri (Parvati)
38. Gunina:
One who is the master of all virtues
39. Haridra:
One who is golden colored
40. Heramba:
Mother’s Beloved son
41. Kapila:
Yellowish-Brown coloured
42. Kaveesha:
Master of poets
43. Krti:
Lord of music
44. Kripalu:
Merciful lord
45. Krishapingaksha:Yellowish-Brown eyed
46. Kshamakaram: The place offorgiveness
47. Kshipra: One who is easy toappease
48. Lambakarna: Large-Earedlords
49. Lambodara: The huge belliedlord
50. Mahabala: Enormously stronglord
51. Mahaganpati: Omnipotent andsupreme lord
52. Maheshwaram: Lord of theuniverse
53. Mangalamurti: All auspiciouslord
54. Manomay: Winner of hearts
55. Mrityunjaya: Conqueror of death
56. Mundakarama: Abode ofhappiness
57. Muktidaya: Bestower of eternal bliss
58. Mushikvahana: One who hasmouse as charioteer
59. Nadapratithishta: One whoappreciates and loves music
60. Namasthetu: Vanquisher ofall evils and vices and sins
61. Nandana: Lord Shiva’s son
62. Nideeshwaram: Giver ofwealth and treasures
63. Omkara: One who has the formof OM
64. Pitambara: One who hasyellow-colored body
65. Pramoda: Lord of all abodes
66. Prathameshwara: First amongall
67. Purush: The omnipotentpersonality
68. Rakta: One who hasred-colored body
69. Rudrapriya: Beloved of lordShiva
70. Sarvadevatman: Acceptor ofall celestial offerings
71. Sarvasiddanta: Bestower ofskills and wisdom
72. Sarvatman: Protector of theuniverse
73. Shambhavi: The son ofParvati
74. Shashivarnam: One who has amoon like complexion
75. Shoorpakarna: Large-earedLord
76. Shuban: All auspicious lord
77. Shubhagunakanan: One who isthe master of all virtues
78. Shweta: One who is as pureas the white colour
79. Siddhidhata: Bestower ofsuccess and accomplishments
80. Siddhipriya: Bestower ofwishes and boons
81. Siddhivinayak: Bestower ofsuccess
82. Skandapurvaja: Elder brotherof Skanda (Lord Kartik)
83. Sumukha: Auspicious face
84. Sureshwaram: Lord of alllords
85. Swaroop: Lover of beauty
86. Tarun: Ageless
87. Uddanda: Nemesis of evilsand vices
88. Umaputra: The son of goddessUma (Parvati)
89. Vakratunda: Curved trunklord
90. Varaganapati: Bestower ofboons
91. Varaprada: Granter of wishesand boons
92. Varadavinayaka: Bestower ofSuccess
93. Veeraganapati: Heroic lord
94. Vidyavaridhi: God of wisdom
95. Vighnahara: Remover ofobstacles
96. Vignaharta: Demolisher ofobstacles
97. Vighnaraja: Lord of allhindrances
98. Vighnarajendra: Lord of allobstacles
99. Vighnavinashanaya: Destroyerof all obstacles and impediments
100. Vigneshwara: Lord of allobstacles
101. Vikat: Huge and gigantic
102. Vinayaka: Lord of all
103. Vishwamukha: Master of theuniverse
104. Vishwaraja: King of theworld
105. Yagnakaya: Acceptor of allsacred and sacrificial offerings
106. Yashaskaram: Bestower offame and fortune
107. Yashvasin: Beloved and everpopular lord
108. Yogadhipa: The lord of meditatio
Posted From vivekshah.wordpress.com
2. Alampata : Ever eternal lord
3. Amit : Incomparable lord
4. Anantachidrupamayam: Infiniteand consciousness personified
5. Avaneesh: Lord of the wholeworld
6. Avighna:
Remover of obstacles
7. Balaganapati: Beloved andlovable child
8. Bhalchandra: Moon-crestedlord
9. Bheema: Huge and Gigantic
10. Bhupati: Lord of the gods
11. Bhuvanpati: God of the gods
12. Buddhinath: God of wisdom
13. Budhipriya: Knowledgebestower
14. Bhudhividhata: God ofknowledge
15. Chaturbhuj: One who has fourarms
16. Devadeva: Lord of all lords
17. Devantakanashakarin: Destroyerof evils and asuras
18. Devarata: One who acceptsall gods
19. Devendrashika: Protector ofall gods
20. Dharmik: One who givescharity
21. Dhoomravarna: Smoke-Huedlord
22. Durja: Invincible lord
23. Dvaimatura: One who has twomothers
24. Ekaakshara: He of the singlesyllable
25. Ekadanta: Single-Tusked lord
26. Ekadrishta: Single-Tuskedlord
27. Eshanputra: Lord Shiva’s son
28. Gadadhara: One who has themace as his weapon
29. Gajakarna: One who has eyeslike an elephant
30. Gajanana: Elephant-Facedlord
31. Gajananeti: Elephant-Facedlord
32. Gajavakra: Trunk of theelephant
33. Gajavaktra: One who hasmouth like an elephant
34. Ganadhakshya:
Lord of all Ganas (Gods)
35. Ganadhyakshina:
Leader of all thecelestial bodies
36. Ganapati:
Lord of all Ganas (Gods)
37. Gaurisuta:
The son of Gauri (Parvati)
38. Gunina:
One who is the master of all virtues
39. Haridra:
One who is golden colored
40. Heramba:
Mother’s Beloved son
41. Kapila:
Yellowish-Brown coloured
42. Kaveesha:
Master of poets
43. Krti:
Lord of music
44. Kripalu:
Merciful lord
45. Krishapingaksha:Yellowish-Brown eyed
46. Kshamakaram: The place offorgiveness
47. Kshipra: One who is easy toappease
48. Lambakarna: Large-Earedlords
49. Lambodara: The huge belliedlord
50. Mahabala: Enormously stronglord
51. Mahaganpati: Omnipotent andsupreme lord
52. Maheshwaram: Lord of theuniverse
53. Mangalamurti: All auspiciouslord
54. Manomay: Winner of hearts
55. Mrityunjaya: Conqueror of death
56. Mundakarama: Abode ofhappiness
57. Muktidaya: Bestower of eternal bliss
58. Mushikvahana: One who hasmouse as charioteer
59. Nadapratithishta: One whoappreciates and loves music
60. Namasthetu: Vanquisher ofall evils and vices and sins
61. Nandana: Lord Shiva’s son
62. Nideeshwaram: Giver ofwealth and treasures
63. Omkara: One who has the formof OM
64. Pitambara: One who hasyellow-colored body
65. Pramoda: Lord of all abodes
66. Prathameshwara: First amongall
67. Purush: The omnipotentpersonality
68. Rakta: One who hasred-colored body
69. Rudrapriya: Beloved of lordShiva
70. Sarvadevatman: Acceptor ofall celestial offerings
71. Sarvasiddanta: Bestower ofskills and wisdom
72. Sarvatman: Protector of theuniverse
73. Shambhavi: The son ofParvati
74. Shashivarnam: One who has amoon like complexion
75. Shoorpakarna: Large-earedLord
76. Shuban: All auspicious lord
77. Shubhagunakanan: One who isthe master of all virtues
78. Shweta: One who is as pureas the white colour
79. Siddhidhata: Bestower ofsuccess and accomplishments
80. Siddhipriya: Bestower ofwishes and boons
81. Siddhivinayak: Bestower ofsuccess
82. Skandapurvaja: Elder brotherof Skanda (Lord Kartik)
83. Sumukha: Auspicious face
84. Sureshwaram: Lord of alllords
85. Swaroop: Lover of beauty
86. Tarun: Ageless
87. Uddanda: Nemesis of evilsand vices
88. Umaputra: The son of goddessUma (Parvati)
89. Vakratunda: Curved trunklord
90. Varaganapati: Bestower ofboons
91. Varaprada: Granter of wishesand boons
92. Varadavinayaka: Bestower ofSuccess
93. Veeraganapati: Heroic lord
94. Vidyavaridhi: God of wisdom
95. Vighnahara: Remover ofobstacles
96. Vignaharta: Demolisher ofobstacles
97. Vighnaraja: Lord of allhindrances
98. Vighnarajendra: Lord of allobstacles
99. Vighnavinashanaya: Destroyerof all obstacles and impediments
100. Vigneshwara: Lord of allobstacles
101. Vikat: Huge and gigantic
102. Vinayaka: Lord of all
103. Vishwamukha: Master of theuniverse
104. Vishwaraja: King of theworld
105. Yagnakaya: Acceptor of allsacred and sacrificial offerings
106. Yashaskaram: Bestower offame and fortune
107. Yashvasin: Beloved and everpopular lord
108. Yogadhipa: The lord of meditatio
Posted From vivekshah.wordpress.com
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)